so, i went to my first and second weekly appointments. and i'm feeling nice and guilty. because although the first week was 100% successful and no cheating occurred and i lost EIGHT pounds, my second week didn't follow suit.
i baked gingerbread people. and made my reindeer crunch (3 types of chex cereal, pretzels, cheerios and chocolate m&m's covered in white chocolate) and i ate bread. and pasta. and tomatoes.
though i still lost 2 more pounds, i'm pretty grumpy. and i'm getting especially so because i can't have tomatoes in my salad but twice a week. TOMATOES! ug.
and then each little box has 6 $4 packets of protein food that doesn't taste so bad, but it all starts to taste the same. and then i have to check in once a week with my coach who has decided to bump me up to phase 2 even though i have not reached 90% of my goal weight loss. I've only lost about 25% of the weight i want to take off.
and when i look at it like that, the numbers are motivating. but i believe i'm going to lose my mind. there is all this candy and sweet stuff everywhere! AHHHHH!!!!
but the good news is that i haven't gained any weight this holiday season.
really, this is all a means to an end, and i have to keep telling myself that there is an end to this diet. i will go back to "real" food.
and, no. i'm not delusional. i know that unlimited splenda and meal replacements and no whole grains isn't exactly worthy of a "health nut" stamp. but the idea, for me, is to get to a healthy weight so i can start maintaining versus continue to creep up as i had been doing.
i would eventually like to get pregnant again, and my joints can't take the pregnancy weight seeing as how they are suffering now. i was also preeclamptic during the last trimester of my first pregnancy. bad for baby. bad for mama.
so no matter how much i want to jump off, i need to stay on. i will set tiny goals every week of 2 pounds. so this friday, i'll see what i've done.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
"i love you like a fat kid love cake"
so, after a few weeks of thinking about it and a lot of convincing on my part (pleading with the hubs) to start a diet (that costs a decent chunk of change), I am on DAY #3....and doing really well.
i mean, did i want a blueberry pancake or two like i made for my daughter for breakfast this morning? HECK YES I DID! do i crave chili and cornbread in this frigid 55˚F south texas winter weather? SHOOT YEAH! would i love to eat a loaf of french bread for no other reason than it is one of the most delicious gifts just to me from God himself? WHO DOESN'T? ok, so the last one is maybe not so universal, at least for the whole loaf. and maybe my definition of frigid temperatures is a bit relative. but nonetheless, i have been GOOOOOD! I mean, my "cheating" yesterday? Two vitamin C tablets. I know what you're thinking. They're vitamins. yes, they are. Delicious, chewable vitamins of the orange flavored variety. and 100% unnecessary because i'd already had my mulitvitamin that has a nasty aftertaste despite drinking it quickly so it doesn't begin to dissolve in my mouth. eww.
know this, peeps: i have NEVER put myself on a diet. despite reading the volumetrics diet, the south beach diet, how to eat right for your blood type, the end of overeating (to name the major ones), i couldn't buckle down to follow anything. sure, i tried a few decent recipes. i dabbled with calorie counting. but restricted no foods. i've pretty much always been fully cognizant of what i eat, but i have never deprived myself of a dessert or copious amounts of bread if i felt like eating it.
so i'm sure by now that you've deduced i'm doing a low carb diet. no fruit for a bit (which is a bit extreme). i can only take in a ton of veggies and lean proteins. the crazy part is, i have always known how to eat and what to eat and what has a high glycemic index and what doesn't. which is why i had to convince my husband to get on my support team for this. he doesn't understand that, for me, knowing and doing are on different ends of the spectrum. so, the hand holding support and accountability and menus and meals that this diet provides are all about convenience and ease and variety. i can't explain it any better than my following theory.
there are two types of people in this world. the first is the person who has what i call a functioning "satiety button". food is delicious, but fuel nonetheless. rarely ever faced with a weight problem due to diet, they eat until they are satisfied without the extra urge to keep eating or picking because the food is "there" or just downright so tasty it's hard to stop. for these people, it's seldom, if ever, hard to stop. a taste is enough.
then there is the polar opposite. this second type of person can be incredibly overweight, possibly obese because of blatant overeating. however, they can be fit as well. whether this person is a stress eater, an emotional eater, a boredom eater, there is an issue with food. The common denominator is the same unhealthy constant urges to eat. let me clarify that it isn't the cravings themselves that are unhealthy. it is the persistence and degree of extremity of this drive to overeat, whether healthy or unhealthy foods.
now, i'll turn it back to me and my personal experience. i'm slightly overweight. as in, my BMI is 26. but because i fall into the second category, there is a constant battle in my head every time i think of food....which is a lot. like an addict, my mind is always looking for the next score. i love pastries. they're sugary and doughy. love it. love cookies, love cake, love sweet bread. i started sneaking food because i couldn't just have a taste or even one dessert. it was several. a box of little debbie cakes would last me a day. i rarely buy this stuff. because when i do, i crave it more.
i tried to develop an aversion to oreos once. i succeeded in taking down a half bag before i couldn't eat anymore. but the next day? i was searching the pantry for the rest of the bag. my roommate ate them. and i don't love oreos any less. but i digress, the bottom line is i feel that unlike with chemical dependency, it is physically impossible for me to live without food. so everytime i have to eat, i am faced with the decision of what AND how much i will eat. left with the freedom of choice, i have been making mostly wrong choices. so, being told exactly what to do and having to think less is what's helping me through this.
diabetes runs in the family; as does high blood pressure. so, i exercise to keep things in check. i exercise quite a bit. i enjoy it. i love being active. but it's been a pain here lately, literally. the kicker for me was when i went to the rheumatologist a few weeks ago, and he told me that my sacroiliac joint pain that i've had for over a year now could be alleviated by weight reduction or steroid injections. no thanks, i'll pass on the latter.
i will slowly start to phase in whole grains, fruits, and an occasional dessert. but we're talking in a few months. boo. in the meantime, i can eat all the lettuce i want. whoop-de-doo. that is EXCITEMENT.
seriously, the excitement comes in kicking the back pain and resetting my pendulum so that my knees won't bother me so much anymore when i do anything. like run. or jump with my daughter. or chase my dogs. for me, that's the light at the end of the tunnel. so, i bid adieu to my former ways as do my darnedest to build a solid foundation of good habits.
yes, i am painfully aware of the fact that the holiday goodies are about to pour in. that's why i started now. wish me luck, friends. keep you posted on my progress after friday's appointment.
i mean, did i want a blueberry pancake or two like i made for my daughter for breakfast this morning? HECK YES I DID! do i crave chili and cornbread in this frigid 55˚F south texas winter weather? SHOOT YEAH! would i love to eat a loaf of french bread for no other reason than it is one of the most delicious gifts just to me from God himself? WHO DOESN'T? ok, so the last one is maybe not so universal, at least for the whole loaf. and maybe my definition of frigid temperatures is a bit relative. but nonetheless, i have been GOOOOOD! I mean, my "cheating" yesterday? Two vitamin C tablets. I know what you're thinking. They're vitamins. yes, they are. Delicious, chewable vitamins of the orange flavored variety. and 100% unnecessary because i'd already had my mulitvitamin that has a nasty aftertaste despite drinking it quickly so it doesn't begin to dissolve in my mouth. eww.
know this, peeps: i have NEVER put myself on a diet. despite reading the volumetrics diet, the south beach diet, how to eat right for your blood type, the end of overeating (to name the major ones), i couldn't buckle down to follow anything. sure, i tried a few decent recipes. i dabbled with calorie counting. but restricted no foods. i've pretty much always been fully cognizant of what i eat, but i have never deprived myself of a dessert or copious amounts of bread if i felt like eating it.
so i'm sure by now that you've deduced i'm doing a low carb diet. no fruit for a bit (which is a bit extreme). i can only take in a ton of veggies and lean proteins. the crazy part is, i have always known how to eat and what to eat and what has a high glycemic index and what doesn't. which is why i had to convince my husband to get on my support team for this. he doesn't understand that, for me, knowing and doing are on different ends of the spectrum. so, the hand holding support and accountability and menus and meals that this diet provides are all about convenience and ease and variety. i can't explain it any better than my following theory.
there are two types of people in this world. the first is the person who has what i call a functioning "satiety button". food is delicious, but fuel nonetheless. rarely ever faced with a weight problem due to diet, they eat until they are satisfied without the extra urge to keep eating or picking because the food is "there" or just downright so tasty it's hard to stop. for these people, it's seldom, if ever, hard to stop. a taste is enough.
then there is the polar opposite. this second type of person can be incredibly overweight, possibly obese because of blatant overeating. however, they can be fit as well. whether this person is a stress eater, an emotional eater, a boredom eater, there is an issue with food. The common denominator is the same unhealthy constant urges to eat. let me clarify that it isn't the cravings themselves that are unhealthy. it is the persistence and degree of extremity of this drive to overeat, whether healthy or unhealthy foods.
now, i'll turn it back to me and my personal experience. i'm slightly overweight. as in, my BMI is 26. but because i fall into the second category, there is a constant battle in my head every time i think of food....which is a lot. like an addict, my mind is always looking for the next score. i love pastries. they're sugary and doughy. love it. love cookies, love cake, love sweet bread. i started sneaking food because i couldn't just have a taste or even one dessert. it was several. a box of little debbie cakes would last me a day. i rarely buy this stuff. because when i do, i crave it more.
i tried to develop an aversion to oreos once. i succeeded in taking down a half bag before i couldn't eat anymore. but the next day? i was searching the pantry for the rest of the bag. my roommate ate them. and i don't love oreos any less. but i digress, the bottom line is i feel that unlike with chemical dependency, it is physically impossible for me to live without food. so everytime i have to eat, i am faced with the decision of what AND how much i will eat. left with the freedom of choice, i have been making mostly wrong choices. so, being told exactly what to do and having to think less is what's helping me through this.
diabetes runs in the family; as does high blood pressure. so, i exercise to keep things in check. i exercise quite a bit. i enjoy it. i love being active. but it's been a pain here lately, literally. the kicker for me was when i went to the rheumatologist a few weeks ago, and he told me that my sacroiliac joint pain that i've had for over a year now could be alleviated by weight reduction or steroid injections. no thanks, i'll pass on the latter.
i will slowly start to phase in whole grains, fruits, and an occasional dessert. but we're talking in a few months. boo. in the meantime, i can eat all the lettuce i want. whoop-de-doo. that is EXCITEMENT.
seriously, the excitement comes in kicking the back pain and resetting my pendulum so that my knees won't bother me so much anymore when i do anything. like run. or jump with my daughter. or chase my dogs. for me, that's the light at the end of the tunnel. so, i bid adieu to my former ways as do my darnedest to build a solid foundation of good habits.
yes, i am painfully aware of the fact that the holiday goodies are about to pour in. that's why i started now. wish me luck, friends. keep you posted on my progress after friday's appointment.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
this too shall pass...
so after a hiatus from just about everything except work and food, i mustered up enough courage to step onto a scale. bad idea, said jiminey from my shoulder. so i started running this week. again.
i was asked to join a marathon relay team where the longest leg is shorter than 6 miles. man, how i just want to run 5 miles a day 3-4 times a week PAIN FREE!!!! is it too much to ask? i mean, it can't help that i've decided to carry a tractor tire around my midsection. but i'm working on hurling that sucker back to the garbage heap where it belongs. but it loves me. and i love the food. and the sweets.
and LORD HELP ME....the holidays are a-comin'! i wonder if someone could wire my jaw shut for a few months. it might help until i start with daily stops to a milkshake place. mmmm.....milk...shake....*wtf?!*
you see, gotta snap out of it. and gotta get to running like a fool. seriously my measly run/walk intervals of a total whopping 3.5 miles isn't going to get me any sorts of ready. now, that being said, if one is running 3.5 miles with run/walk intervals, GREAT!!!! power to them! but i ran 8 complete miles as recently as a month and a half ago. knee injuries suck. extra weight sucks. the end. :(
i was asked to join a marathon relay team where the longest leg is shorter than 6 miles. man, how i just want to run 5 miles a day 3-4 times a week PAIN FREE!!!! is it too much to ask? i mean, it can't help that i've decided to carry a tractor tire around my midsection. but i'm working on hurling that sucker back to the garbage heap where it belongs. but it loves me. and i love the food. and the sweets.
and LORD HELP ME....the holidays are a-comin'! i wonder if someone could wire my jaw shut for a few months. it might help until i start with daily stops to a milkshake place. mmmm.....milk...shake....*wtf?!*
you see, gotta snap out of it. and gotta get to running like a fool. seriously my measly run/walk intervals of a total whopping 3.5 miles isn't going to get me any sorts of ready. now, that being said, if one is running 3.5 miles with run/walk intervals, GREAT!!!! power to them! but i ran 8 complete miles as recently as a month and a half ago. knee injuries suck. extra weight sucks. the end. :(
Sunday, October 10, 2010
i'm in miami, b**ch!
of course, the two asterisks in the last word of the title of today's blog are beach! the comma is just a type-o!
alright, so if you've been paying close attention, cyberspace (crickets), you'd know that the titles of my blogs are all quotes from songs. so there. cheesy, but fun and interesting nonetheless. much like my fragments and run-on statements. *disclaimer, i was no English major, but grammar is a thing for me. except for when it's not.
and technically, i'm no longer in miami. i actually got home just a couple hours ago. and not a moment too soon. my child was about to explode into a ball of fiery tantrums. seriously. to her credit, she was a trooper the entire trip including but not limited to the 2.5 hour flight that we flew standby without my baby daddy (there was only one seat available since we missed our first flight) and mom subsequently rolled a stroller with my sweet angel, a suitcase with a carseat held on top, & holding a baby-tantrum-preparation carry-on (i.e. HUGE & HEAVY) to the rental car place at the miami airport where i was refused my reservation because my hubby needed to be present since it was under his name.
i know what you must be thinking. no biggie, right? cancel the other reservation and rent whatever is available. except nothing was. so i tried to call the online "price negotiatiors" with whom my husband booked the rental car. i explained how we'd missed our flights and had to catch a later flight to miami except we had to split up since we were only able to fly standby. oh! and how my husband wouldn't be in florida until a few hours later, but that the only flight he was able to catch as standby (with 32 people waiting in line behind him) was to fort lauderdale nearly a 45 minute drive away. so, i was basically stranded with all the luggage and carseat and baby in tow unless they could find it in their hearts to cut me some slack and cancel the reservation to make the car "available" so i could just rent it directly from the car company. "i'm sorry ma'am. but that car would have to sit in the lot and not be picked up so that we could refund you your money." at that point, in all my frustration and doing my best to fight back tears, i hung up the phone. and will not be booking a hotel, car rental, or flight through that horrible website EVER AGAIN....they did nothing to help the "common people" that their spokesman sang about as he did a cover of the pulp song however long ago that was. ug.
at my wit's end, the lady at the counter saw me nearly break down and suggested maybe i take the tri rail to fort lauderdale. and with those darned tears in my eyes and a huge ANGRY lump in my throat, i said i would rather not with a toddler and all my gear, but thanks for the compassion. and she said to me that she would try to call her boss since i had a baby and luggage....that she hadn't seen me struggle up to the counter now nearly an hour ago. i'm telling you, my baby girl sat quietly in her stroller like a champ. she giggled and made herself be known to the lady behind the desk who called her boss and magically made a car appear, not without making $60 disappear from my account. just to get to fort lauderdale. if you do the math, that's more than $1/minute and the most expensive honda civic ever. i guess it belonged to jennifer lopez or one of her entourage drove to get her dry cleaning in it or something.
regardless, at that point, i didn't care. i just wanted to get all my stuff in a car. put my baby in her carseat and drive. without struggling to take a few steps and not drop anything. or adjust my stuff so i could steer my daughter clear of walls or columns.
i pulled into fort lauderdale airport as my husband landed. i was so relieved when i saw him. it was as if we had spent months apart. the silver lining: i am proud that i could handle it all and figured it all out by myself. but mostly, that i didn't cry when the going got tough. and i'm not even a crier. but this would've done it to anyone. not me though! or my baby girl! the rest of the trip was a breeze and so fun and relaxing and wonderful. time well spent with my family and my brothers-in-law and their families.
i'm just glad to be home again.
alright, so if you've been paying close attention, cyberspace (crickets), you'd know that the titles of my blogs are all quotes from songs. so there. cheesy, but fun and interesting nonetheless. much like my fragments and run-on statements. *disclaimer, i was no English major, but grammar is a thing for me. except for when it's not.
and technically, i'm no longer in miami. i actually got home just a couple hours ago. and not a moment too soon. my child was about to explode into a ball of fiery tantrums. seriously. to her credit, she was a trooper the entire trip including but not limited to the 2.5 hour flight that we flew standby without my baby daddy (there was only one seat available since we missed our first flight) and mom subsequently rolled a stroller with my sweet angel, a suitcase with a carseat held on top, & holding a baby-tantrum-preparation carry-on (i.e. HUGE & HEAVY) to the rental car place at the miami airport where i was refused my reservation because my hubby needed to be present since it was under his name.
i know what you must be thinking. no biggie, right? cancel the other reservation and rent whatever is available. except nothing was. so i tried to call the online "price negotiatiors" with whom my husband booked the rental car. i explained how we'd missed our flights and had to catch a later flight to miami except we had to split up since we were only able to fly standby. oh! and how my husband wouldn't be in florida until a few hours later, but that the only flight he was able to catch as standby (with 32 people waiting in line behind him) was to fort lauderdale nearly a 45 minute drive away. so, i was basically stranded with all the luggage and carseat and baby in tow unless they could find it in their hearts to cut me some slack and cancel the reservation to make the car "available" so i could just rent it directly from the car company. "i'm sorry ma'am. but that car would have to sit in the lot and not be picked up so that we could refund you your money." at that point, in all my frustration and doing my best to fight back tears, i hung up the phone. and will not be booking a hotel, car rental, or flight through that horrible website EVER AGAIN....they did nothing to help the "common people" that their spokesman sang about as he did a cover of the pulp song however long ago that was. ug.
at my wit's end, the lady at the counter saw me nearly break down and suggested maybe i take the tri rail to fort lauderdale. and with those darned tears in my eyes and a huge ANGRY lump in my throat, i said i would rather not with a toddler and all my gear, but thanks for the compassion. and she said to me that she would try to call her boss since i had a baby and luggage....that she hadn't seen me struggle up to the counter now nearly an hour ago. i'm telling you, my baby girl sat quietly in her stroller like a champ. she giggled and made herself be known to the lady behind the desk who called her boss and magically made a car appear, not without making $60 disappear from my account. just to get to fort lauderdale. if you do the math, that's more than $1/minute and the most expensive honda civic ever. i guess it belonged to jennifer lopez or one of her entourage drove to get her dry cleaning in it or something.
regardless, at that point, i didn't care. i just wanted to get all my stuff in a car. put my baby in her carseat and drive. without struggling to take a few steps and not drop anything. or adjust my stuff so i could steer my daughter clear of walls or columns.
i pulled into fort lauderdale airport as my husband landed. i was so relieved when i saw him. it was as if we had spent months apart. the silver lining: i am proud that i could handle it all and figured it all out by myself. but mostly, that i didn't cry when the going got tough. and i'm not even a crier. but this would've done it to anyone. not me though! or my baby girl! the rest of the trip was a breeze and so fun and relaxing and wonderful. time well spent with my family and my brothers-in-law and their families.
i'm just glad to be home again.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
businessmen drink my blood....
so i kept my job. and most of its lovely perks. like my paycheck that isn't going to change. ability to make commission (not sure if the potential will be as high). the car. the flexibility to schedule my own stuff. and a few added other things that i was hoping never to go back to again....they've pretty much plucked me out of where i've worked the past 5 years to get to, let me work there a year, and plopped me back into the wonderful world of where i was absolutely miserable.
so, right now, i'm going to play the man's game to get back to where i was headed. it's just unfortunate for me that playing this game is so darned time consuming that i don't even have time to polish my pretty little resume.
and, i know i'm fortunate to have kept my job...especially in these times. HOWEVER, at the risk of having the life sucked out of me by a new boss and unrealistic expectations, i was kind of hoping for the severance check. it's ok. at least now i don't have to explain why i was let go from my previous position.
and it lights the fire a bit more quickly to get me moving onto bigger and better things.
let's face it. the truth of the matter is unless i go back to school to get some more qualifications, i probably won't be as satisfied as i could be. but man if i don't want to go back to school to accumulate some more debt to the school loans on which i am still paying.
we'll see what the future holds....for now, it's off to dreamland where i'll start a new dream :) nighty night!
so, right now, i'm going to play the man's game to get back to where i was headed. it's just unfortunate for me that playing this game is so darned time consuming that i don't even have time to polish my pretty little resume.
and, i know i'm fortunate to have kept my job...especially in these times. HOWEVER, at the risk of having the life sucked out of me by a new boss and unrealistic expectations, i was kind of hoping for the severance check. it's ok. at least now i don't have to explain why i was let go from my previous position.
and it lights the fire a bit more quickly to get me moving onto bigger and better things.
let's face it. the truth of the matter is unless i go back to school to get some more qualifications, i probably won't be as satisfied as i could be. but man if i don't want to go back to school to accumulate some more debt to the school loans on which i am still paying.
we'll see what the future holds....for now, it's off to dreamland where i'll start a new dream :) nighty night!
Friday, October 1, 2010
rise up this mornin'; smile with the rising sun...
D-DAY!!! i just got back from an amazingly good run this morning. i purposely ran without my garmin because i didn't want to pay attention to pace or distance. i did cheat a little and use mapmyrun app on my cell. but i didn't check it until the end when i wanted to hit 3 miles.
either way, pace??? calories burned??? average heart rate???? i'm a rebel. i didn't check (nevermind that i couldn't check some of those stats without my garmin!)
it was a rather liberating experience. and since it was what i was aiming for, i wore my vibram five fingers to up the ante. add to this, that i got my new moving comfort sportsbra and zensah compression sleeves, and i felt like a tribal princess.....minus the floppy boobs thanks to my new bra. i felt light and swift, and graceful. overall, my rhythm was seemless with the ground moving beneath me. it was perfect. the sky was clear as the sun lit it up, the air was fresh and the dew was cool on my feet.
amazing....i wish that everyone could experience this feeling of exhiliration at least once in their lives from something they love to do (without unnecessary/illegal pharmaceutical intervention.)
i can carry on with whatever else comes my way today....BRING IT.
either way, pace??? calories burned??? average heart rate???? i'm a rebel. i didn't check (nevermind that i couldn't check some of those stats without my garmin!)
it was a rather liberating experience. and since it was what i was aiming for, i wore my vibram five fingers to up the ante. add to this, that i got my new moving comfort sportsbra and zensah compression sleeves, and i felt like a tribal princess.....minus the floppy boobs thanks to my new bra. i felt light and swift, and graceful. overall, my rhythm was seemless with the ground moving beneath me. it was perfect. the sky was clear as the sun lit it up, the air was fresh and the dew was cool on my feet.
amazing....i wish that everyone could experience this feeling of exhiliration at least once in their lives from something they love to do (without unnecessary/illegal pharmaceutical intervention.)
i can carry on with whatever else comes my way today....BRING IT.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
ready to start.....
so, my colleagues and i have been speculating for weeks (over a month) that there were layoffs on the horizon with no official word from the large corporation for which i work (hereforeto will be referred to as "the man").
now, it has been beyond difficult to find the motivation to work as i and my team will likely be directly impacted as a result of the cutbacks that are about to occur. when? sometime between now and the end of the year was the timeframe the rumor mill cranked out. but as the weeks passed, a certain month became the repeated timeframe. and for the past couple of weeks, it was a certain day. this week has ticked by painstakingly slowly, and BOOM! all of a sudden, i open up an email today from the man, himself, talking about "streamlining" (read: layoffs) and "restructuring" (translation: plopping people into different positions under different management teams with different objectives). the man went on to say a minimal number of employees would be "exiting" the organization in order to build a company culture of performance (in other words: i hope you brownosed for high marks on your yearly evaluations, buddy, or you don't stand a chance of "reincarnation" in this organization!)
and when is all this to occur??? you guessed it. the dreaded date that has been flying around these parts. turns out the rumor mill is more like a rumor mole!
it's times like these that i'm glad people can't keep secrets to save their lives because now, i'm mentally prepared for whatever may happen. i could've been blindsided by the man, but thanks to my fellow peeps in the trenches, we're all looking out for one another...to some extent. or maybe someone needed to know that they're not alone in the struggle to stay employed after all this mess.
either way, i'm not leaving until i get my severance check! and it makes me no less nervous that i will likely be receiving a call very soon to inform me of my fate. but i must say, it couldn't come sooner. these past weeks have been stifling to the point of paralysis. i'm ready to know and move on!
i'm going to be sure to get in a run that morning, so that the pill goes down with the sweetness of a clear mind and good ol' endorphins instead of the bitter taste of overwhelming stress that hasn't yet been run out of my system. *sigh*.........
ce la vie.....i guess i'll catch you on the flipside where, certainly, the grass will be greener :)
now, it has been beyond difficult to find the motivation to work as i and my team will likely be directly impacted as a result of the cutbacks that are about to occur. when? sometime between now and the end of the year was the timeframe the rumor mill cranked out. but as the weeks passed, a certain month became the repeated timeframe. and for the past couple of weeks, it was a certain day. this week has ticked by painstakingly slowly, and BOOM! all of a sudden, i open up an email today from the man, himself, talking about "streamlining" (read: layoffs) and "restructuring" (translation: plopping people into different positions under different management teams with different objectives). the man went on to say a minimal number of employees would be "exiting" the organization in order to build a company culture of performance (in other words: i hope you brownosed for high marks on your yearly evaluations, buddy, or you don't stand a chance of "reincarnation" in this organization!)
and when is all this to occur??? you guessed it. the dreaded date that has been flying around these parts. turns out the rumor mill is more like a rumor mole!
it's times like these that i'm glad people can't keep secrets to save their lives because now, i'm mentally prepared for whatever may happen. i could've been blindsided by the man, but thanks to my fellow peeps in the trenches, we're all looking out for one another...to some extent. or maybe someone needed to know that they're not alone in the struggle to stay employed after all this mess.
either way, i'm not leaving until i get my severance check! and it makes me no less nervous that i will likely be receiving a call very soon to inform me of my fate. but i must say, it couldn't come sooner. these past weeks have been stifling to the point of paralysis. i'm ready to know and move on!
i'm going to be sure to get in a run that morning, so that the pill goes down with the sweetness of a clear mind and good ol' endorphins instead of the bitter taste of overwhelming stress that hasn't yet been run out of my system. *sigh*.........
ce la vie.....i guess i'll catch you on the flipside where, certainly, the grass will be greener :)
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
what a difference a day (and a jog) make!
this was the first morning for temperatures to drop below 70. so with a full 24 hours notice (i visit the weather channel app on my phone about 3-4 times a day to check hourly weather, 10 day forecasts, precipitation, humidity, and, i don't know, any impending apocalyptic weather we might be having--what? don't flip out, may i remind you of the title of this blog?!) i decided to go for a 2-3 mile jog. but the weather felt so nice i went for 3. then i tried to walk the rest of the way home, but i ran the last quarter mile. i'm unsure why. i just felt like today would be the day to turn it around, my poopy attitude being kicked out with the summer heat.
it was a winner. i decided to let go and just start fresh, stop trying to figure things out, and gain new perspective. i'll give you an analogy....bear with me on this one.
take air travel, for example. i know people always try to check their bags at the gate or stuff them into the tiny overhead bins, but then you have to run through the airport with your little roller wheel suitcase. no fun for transfers, and might i add, NERD alert! and not in a good way. ("i believe in science" so no offense to my fellow nerdies, i'm referring to awkardness, not brain power.) plus, there is all this time wasted filling little TSA approved bottles of toiletries (because we're green and trying not to introduce more unnecessary plastic into landfills) just so you can get through security, and strategic light packing and wear it two ways dresses, yadda yadda. let's pretend this is before they charged for every article of clothing you've got on you before you board, and say that it's free to check your luggage at the counter. and technically, maybe there is a small charge of the risk that it will get lost or misplaced. but there's a smaller chance of that happening than it getting there right?
whoa. i think i lost my own train of thought........ !!! nope, there it is! what i'm trying to say is this:
make the conscious decision to travel lighter at least through the airport. check the weight on your shoulders where you can check it. so much preparation and thought into planning ahead, just to have some other unforeseeable event occur that you didn't pack for. get ready because it's about to get deep. life will catch you off guard: sometimes for the better and sometimes not. it's impossible to be prepared for everything. and the best preparation is to expect that anything can and will occur and appreciate ourselves for the resilient and progressively dynamic beings that we are. so, that is my public service announcement for the day. and someone remind me to read this when life hands me a swift kick to the stomach. and now, a word from our sponsors....
it was a winner. i decided to let go and just start fresh, stop trying to figure things out, and gain new perspective. i'll give you an analogy....bear with me on this one.
take air travel, for example. i know people always try to check their bags at the gate or stuff them into the tiny overhead bins, but then you have to run through the airport with your little roller wheel suitcase. no fun for transfers, and might i add, NERD alert! and not in a good way. ("i believe in science" so no offense to my fellow nerdies, i'm referring to awkardness, not brain power.) plus, there is all this time wasted filling little TSA approved bottles of toiletries (because we're green and trying not to introduce more unnecessary plastic into landfills) just so you can get through security, and strategic light packing and wear it two ways dresses, yadda yadda. let's pretend this is before they charged for every article of clothing you've got on you before you board, and say that it's free to check your luggage at the counter. and technically, maybe there is a small charge of the risk that it will get lost or misplaced. but there's a smaller chance of that happening than it getting there right?
whoa. i think i lost my own train of thought........ !!! nope, there it is! what i'm trying to say is this:
make the conscious decision to travel lighter at least through the airport. check the weight on your shoulders where you can check it. so much preparation and thought into planning ahead, just to have some other unforeseeable event occur that you didn't pack for. get ready because it's about to get deep. life will catch you off guard: sometimes for the better and sometimes not. it's impossible to be prepared for everything. and the best preparation is to expect that anything can and will occur and appreciate ourselves for the resilient and progressively dynamic beings that we are. so, that is my public service announcement for the day. and someone remind me to read this when life hands me a swift kick to the stomach. and now, a word from our sponsors....
Monday, September 27, 2010
ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!
it's not just the weather that's changing this fall. sure, the cool breeze has brought some nostalgic memories of times past. but if all the stress of preparing for this fall's changes doesn't kill me, the uncertainty of what the future holds certainly will.
so many of the decisions left to be made are teeter tottering on ONE HUGE event, that may or may not take place. you got it, i have zero control over this one. and what a difficult thing for anybody, much moreso the control freak that i happen to be. over the past year (though it feels sooo much longer), there have been a lot of signs that make the control i thought i had over my life that much more of an illusion.
i think i'm picking up a signal: .....oooooOOOOOOooooo............something about greater forces at work....one door closes, and another opens......let go.........the book's been written.......oooooooooOOOOOOOOooooooo...........
yeah, i don't know what that's all about! can't i just get a break, greater forces! GEEZ! cut me some slack!!!!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
silver lining, where you be?
all in all, it has been a trying week on all fronts. my little one got sick, i ran awesome on tuesday, but hurt like heck on wednesday. it was only 2.5 miles when i cranked out 8 just 3 weeks ago! and work.....ahhh, not much to say there. it was work.
however, i have to keep on truckin'. i do have a half marathon that i would love to do, especially since i've already plopped down the 100 or so bucks that it takes to run one (and i still don't get a honker of a medal?!??!? boo.)
either way, i have a doctor's appointment today to figure out what my limits "should" be. and then, after, i will see if i want/need to listen. ahhh....you know you're a runner if....
doc says we're all the same: won't take no for an answer and run anyway. like a bad addiction, it's a hard habit to break. running pretty much keeps me on an even keel. alas, i would like to continue, AND let's not mention the fact that no one has given me a signing bonus or an amazing $25 million contract over the next five years despite injury to run my body into the ground.
so, i will take my awesome 2.5 miles and 1.5 days of recovery, thank you very much!
it is what it is....eyes on the prize, and for me, it's looking like it may not be this november half marathon i've been training for. i read somewhere to treat your body like a good friend. so fine. poop. time to listen to it....at least for now. ;)
however, i have to keep on truckin'. i do have a half marathon that i would love to do, especially since i've already plopped down the 100 or so bucks that it takes to run one (and i still don't get a honker of a medal?!??!? boo.)
either way, i have a doctor's appointment today to figure out what my limits "should" be. and then, after, i will see if i want/need to listen. ahhh....you know you're a runner if....
doc says we're all the same: won't take no for an answer and run anyway. like a bad addiction, it's a hard habit to break. running pretty much keeps me on an even keel. alas, i would like to continue, AND let's not mention the fact that no one has given me a signing bonus or an amazing $25 million contract over the next five years despite injury to run my body into the ground.
so, i will take my awesome 2.5 miles and 1.5 days of recovery, thank you very much!
it is what it is....eyes on the prize, and for me, it's looking like it may not be this november half marathon i've been training for. i read somewhere to treat your body like a good friend. so fine. poop. time to listen to it....at least for now. ;)
Saturday, September 18, 2010
see jane type...
here we go....first blog entry ever. mostly, i'm going to tackle the hopefully lighter side of living, running, training for whatever event i stumble across, and the music that i LOVE. and yes, this is my soapbox. maybe i can one day make lots of money like snooki as a result. ha!
people often ask me what i'm currently listening to, and if you've taken the time to read my profile, you'd know i like to keep abreast of the latest and greatest up and coming artists. though, i will admit to being out of the loop for a couple months, which feels like an eternity.
so, right now, i'm debating on reading a book i checked out from the library (due in one week, i read all of 5 pages last week. ug.) or brainstorming on the business venture for which my bff asked me to be her partner.
i fear that my brainstorm will quickly turn into a daydream of what i'm going to do with all the billions of dollars once we make it big. my partner brought me on board because i'm the grounded one. awesome. we'll see where it goes. as of right now, i've got to stay grounded, so maybe a little reading might do me some good. or put me to sleep. whatever.
peace out.
people often ask me what i'm currently listening to, and if you've taken the time to read my profile, you'd know i like to keep abreast of the latest and greatest up and coming artists. though, i will admit to being out of the loop for a couple months, which feels like an eternity.
so, right now, i'm debating on reading a book i checked out from the library (due in one week, i read all of 5 pages last week. ug.) or brainstorming on the business venture for which my bff asked me to be her partner.
i fear that my brainstorm will quickly turn into a daydream of what i'm going to do with all the billions of dollars once we make it big. my partner brought me on board because i'm the grounded one. awesome. we'll see where it goes. as of right now, i've got to stay grounded, so maybe a little reading might do me some good. or put me to sleep. whatever.
peace out.
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